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Every now and then I dance a little jig called compare and despair. If you have a pulse, you probably know what I’m talking about. You peruse your Newsfeed and see a post from a classmate you haven’t seen in awhile. The thought occurs, “Oh, I wonder what ____ has been up to.” You innocently mozy on over to ___’s Facebook page, which then leads you to ___’s business website, Twitter feed, press articles, etc. etc. You feel a lump in your throat accompanied by a semi-gnarly sensation in the pit of your stomach. Then comes the barrage of self-flagellating Tourette’s-like questions: Why aren’t I there yet? What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I as successful? Last week I inadvertently found myself dancing this damn jig. I was already feeling a little low (worst time to find out what people have been up to) and soon found myself reading up on a colleague who I admire greatly. She’s done a whole lot of good in the world and has the external manifestations to show for it. I wasn’t guarding my thought process so the point came when the admiration turned deadly. Was I in danger of physical death? Absolutely not. But a different type of death is wildly inherent in the compare and despair game: self-worth suicide. Admiring and celebrating the success of others can easily turn sour if I ask myself the wrong questions and set a bar that I have no business trying to uphold running a race that does not actually exist.
Fast forward to a few hours later. I’m listening to an inspirational podcast and the speaker is recounting his own tale of compare and despair. He shared his story to a trusted friend and the friend in turn asked him a pivotal question: Why don't you redefine what success is for you? That question struck a chord with me. Big time. I had been comparing my life to an idea of success that was not in alignment with who I am now.
Taking the cue from this inspirational speaker, I sat down and developed a new definition of success. I’ve done this process before, but it’s sooo easy to forget to do when the sh*% hits the fan. The key to creating my new definition was that I had to make sure it included characteristics I currently embody and experiences I am actually living in this moment. If not, then the definition still doesn’t serve me and I’ll be dancing to the C and D tune sooner than I’d like.
There are four components of my new definition, all of which I’m living right now. I won’t list all of them, but I’ll share a big one. One way I define success is being a self-supporting adult with profound self-awareness who takes care of her needs and wants and has the space in her heart and pocketbook to take care of another living being. I am all these things today. I am able to care for my adorable 4 ½ year old cat Kali with love, grace and ease. When I first got her, I questioned my ability to provide her with vaccinations, food, toys, etc. I was struggling on unemployment, odd jobs here and there and financial support from my parents. I didn’t have enough dough to top off the gas in my car let alone gift myself with massages and weekend getaways, all which I’m able to do now. When comparing myself to myself, I’ve come a hell of a long way baby. I am successful. Now.
But here's the thing: I was also successful back then. Just in a different way. I can pinpoint the aspects of my life that were working and create a different definition from that. Something's ALWAYS working, even if the outside isn't completely to my liking.
I believe there’s more than enough pie to go around. Someone else achieving in ways that I’d like does not diminish the likelihood that I will “get mine.” And I have to remind myself that:
a) I don’t know what anyone else is going through internally. What I think looks great on the outside does not mean the object of my gaze is experiencing a robust internal emotional, psychological and spiritual life.
b) Accomplishments are not the same as success. I set goals for what I’d like to accomplish and the externals I’d like to see, but whether or not I achieve them, I AM successful. My feeling of success is not contingent upon my accolades. Big difference and a slight adjustment that can make the difference between inner peace and unnecessary inner turmoil.
So ask yourself, how do you define success? Is your definition working for you? If not, what are you going to do about it?
Here’s to your success!
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