“It’s no big deal” yet we know not the true effect
This one word has on our ability to create
Even more negates our capacity to collaborate
…effectively.
In 2007 I had attended a personal and wealth development 3-day course. During the last day, an audience member stood up and shared something so powerful that it remained with me ever since. She talked about the power of language, specifically, the essence of the Hebrew word efes (she was Jewish) when used as the word but. Efes means that you negate and erase everything that came before. For example, you say something like, “Your idea is a good one, but how about we try this?” I might as well just say, “I’m ignoring that idea, how about we just try this?” Does anyone even really take to heart what’s said before the but anyway, even if it’s uplifting? Sensitive creatures we human beings are and so many of us don’t take constructive criticism without taking it personally.
Am I promoting harmony or discord with my speech? I don’t have to literally say but for the essence of efes to come through in my language. For example, I had attended a special event brainstorming meeting last week and someone had thrown out an idea, which I instinctively thought we didn’t need to take action on. I found myself declaring something to the effect of “I don’t think it’s necessary to do this so soon.” Foot in mouth. In the future, I would like to say something like, “I think that’s a valid point. How do you feel about ____ as well?”
I did a better job during a different conversation. Someone had invited me to take part in an event that was happening the night after she asked me to participate. The notice was too short as I had already made other plans. Luckily, this was a recurring event. I responded, “Thank you so much for inviting me. I really want to do it. How about any other Monday this month?” Much better.
I’m a student of improvisational comedy. The foundation of improv training is yes and. Doesn’t matter which improv school I went to. Each one had different approaches (character development vs. scene breakdown vs. relationship focus), but the core of improv training is saying yes, literally and figuratively. Yes to your scene partners’ ideas. Yes to the direction in which the scene is going. The trippy thing is that the direction most often has nothing to do with where you might think the scene is going. The and is your contribution to the yes you give to your partner(s) and to the development of the scene. The and is your way of building on the contributions of others.
It’s easier to be mindful of my speech when I write because I can edit as I do so. I have more time to think about what and how I’m saying stuff. It’s more difficult when talking because it’s more spontaneous. Speaking more accurately reveals how I process and how apt I am to creating harmony or discord. I’m conscious about re-circuiting conditioned patterns of thinking so I may stumble from time to time as I say yes and more and more. A trick that might help me is to speak a little slower and more deliberately when weighing others’ viewpoints. It’s like I’m re-teaching myself how to talk. Toddlers don’t start off speaking seamlessly. They trip over their words. They think. They choose their words again. I’m down to do that again. The creation of a grander life is worth it.
How can I create more harmony and flow in my life using my words? I’m all about thriving and being in the flow in all areas. My language supports this beingness and, dare I say, is a harbinger of the blessings (or not) that shower upon me.
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