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Here’s a brief recap of steps 1-3.
- Feel or visualize the resentment then breathe into it.
- Uncover your expectations behind the resentment.
- What does it mean that (insert person’s name) did or didn’t do (insert behavior)? In other words, what meaning are you attributing to the behavior?
4) Can you just let it be what it is? Captain Jack Sparrow said, “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?" Here’s where the rubber meets the road and the reclamation of power is most potent. Are you willing to see this person as a human who makes mistakes just like you? Sometimes I'm able to release the grudge by honestly answering yes to the “can you let it be” question. Sometimes it is enough for me to acknowledge that I have no clue why this person did what he/she did. And even if I am 99.99% sure, I have the choice to let it be. I can choose to realize that my mind is playing fill-in-the-blank. What often follows this period of acknowledged blankness is an upchuck of emotions. I may have to let the tears roll. I may have to beat a pillow with a broom. I may have to scream at the top of my lungs. Let the situation be and let the feelings out.
5) Share with a confidante. Time to pick up the phone or schedule a coffee date. For this step, you’ll want to pick someone who won’t cosign your B.S. What I mean is, share with someone who’s not going to feed into the drama. You don’t want to pick someone who would say “Girl, he’s such a bum. I can’t believe he did that to you! You know what you should do? You should . . .” Nope! Not gonna cut it. This person will only add oxygen to the fire of your resentment and help you lose your power all over again. You’re sharing with a confidante to help gain closure and to further release your grip. What I specifically share with my confidantes are my outcomes of steps 2-4. Since I’ve written it down, I just read it to them from my journal or piece of paper. I ask this person to help me see where I can further release the hold and if any follow up action towards the object of my resentment is necessary. Ultimately, this confidante serves as a supportive listening ear and helps me find loving power-keeping closure.
Resentments can arise in a flash irrespective of persons, situations and locations. They’re sneaky buggers. A coworker keeps his used coffee cups on the break-room counter, never throwing them in the trash. Your friend reschedules half of your planned get-togethers. Your neighbor plays his music too loud. Any, or all, of these occurrences are fit fodder for a resentment. Be on guard because the little stuff can fester, add up and lead to unnecessary physical and mental drama. The above 5-step process doesn’t have to take very long (a few minutes on average), but the result is well worth it: peace of mind, clarity, taking ownership and developing a solid game plan on how to proceed with the object of the original resentment, if necessary. Resentments do not have to run your life or be a pain in your side any longer.
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